Words Still Matter in Assisted Living

I’ve lived in assisted living for more than seventeen years since my stroke in 2009, and tonight someone asked me if I needed help changing my diaper.

Diaper.

I’m an adult woman, and I do not wear a diaper. I understand that some people in assisted living may be incontinent, but I would wager they do not consider themselves to be wearing diapers either. Products such as briefs, pullups, or protective underwear are designed for adults, not babies.

When I was hospitalized after my stroke, the staff kept me in actual hospital-style diapers during the acute phase of my recovery. So yes — I know what adult diapers are. That is precisely why the word feels so disrespectful to me now. Call them briefs. Call them pullups. Call them protective underwear. But please don’t call them diapers.

Treat us with respect.

Allow us to hold onto our dignity and self-respect.

The same thing happens with another word I hear regularly in assisted living communities: room.

Each of us lives in our own apartment, yet staff members often refer to them as our “rooms.”

I do not live in a room. I live in my apartment — my home.

A room sounds institutional and temporary, like a hospital or nursing ward. An apartment reflects the truth: that we are adults living our lives, maintaining as much independence, privacy, and dignity as possible.

Am I sensitive? Yes, I am. I’m an obsessed word nerd, and words matter. Words can comfort or diminish. They can preserve dignity or quietly erode it. They shape how we see ourselves and how others see us.

When older adults or disabled adults are casually spoken to as though they are children or patients rather than people, those words carry weight. Respect lives in language.

And after seventeen years in assisted living, I believe words still matter.